Oh wow. Another one of these…

I’m just lying down here. It’s almost 5AM as I am starting to write this.

I’d love to say that things have been getting better. But they haven’t, really. I’ve been to Anime Boston, I’ve got to see some folks I like, and I’ve got to meet some new folks I probably won’t see until next year. A-Grand. I’m still back here, in my miserable hole, doing whatever miserable things I’ve been doing before. This room is still a complete mess, I still have no general sense of direction, I’m just flailing in whatever direction I happen to be facing at the moment.

I’ve tried reaching out for help, but I don’t think local resources care. I have an appointment with a psychologist almost mid-june. I got that appointment at the beginning of May. It’s like nobody cares about my comatose state. It’s super depressing.

All I’ve been doing lately is wasting time indulging my addictions playing Dota, which, most of the time, just makes me frustrated and sad. I don’t know anymore. There’s nobody to support me or help me nearby, and everybody else is too further off to even do anything, in fact, most of them don’t even bother; they have their own life and their own problems. The only people that matter to me, I get to see a few times a years, and that’s after paying up, spending one to two days worth of time sitting on a bus waiting, and dealing with high levels of anxiety thanks to customs.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like sleeping is the only thing I have that’s worth anything. I get to dream when I sleep, I get to be where I want in contrast to this crappy place. So I just sleep a lot, up to 10 hours a day sometimes. The rest, I just spend sitting around, having trouble keeping this place in check, having trouble feeding myself, having trouble doing a bunch of basic stuff I shouldn’t have problems with.

I’ve been seriously thinking about self-harm, because I really fucking hate myself, or at the very least, the situation I am in. Sometimes I just want to slam my head through the walls, because why not? Over here, I’m the only person who matters in the equation. I still keep myself in check, but really.

Who’s going to care?

Dwelling in depression again.

I finished my semester two weeks ago. Looks like my gambit worked: Focusing on one of the two classes I thought I was gonna fail made me pass it with a C, and as expected, I failed the other.

Then I went on to try to do my driving test again. I got a 98/100 as a score but still failed because I engaged in some intersection where I shouldn’t have engaged, the exam made me stressed and the trees were blocking my way.

And here we are again, in my apartment. I’m still eating badly, still sleeping badly. I tried to take an appointment to see a psychologist at my university, and after a short counseling period, they gave me another appointment… In June, yea, I guess they’re maybe busy at this time of the year? So I’m stuck a month in this shitty and crippling depression, where I struggle to eat and sleep properly on a daily basis. Even now, my room is a complete mess.

And I don’t feel that it’s because I don’t like what I’m doing right now. I just don’t feel like getting up in the morning anymore. I have things I want to work on, however, I’m the only driving force in it, if I don’t initiate it, it doesn’t happen. In the end, just like before, it’s me and this screen, and everyone on the other side can’t really care less about me, because they have their own problems too. And if I talk too much about my problems, they get sick of it, so I just stop talking about my problems, I just cower up in a corner, assume my position, and just slowly die inside.

Every time I’ve tried to reach out for help here, or have been offered help, I’ve been taken advantage of in the least funny of ways. Nobody here helps, everyone tries to fuck me over. And whenever I meet somebody any interesting, I live too far away to grasp any kind of interest.

I don’t know what to say anymore. Every single day, just sitting here, just, here. And nobody cares or will care. It seems like unless you threaten to kill yourself, depression isn’t a thing, it’s not important. And I think that’s fucking stupid.

I need to make this post, but nobody will care.

That’s it, I’m done.

I’m sitting here, right now, staring at this screen.

My Nintendo 3ds broke yesterday, and just like it, I’m broken in more than two pieces.

I’m not even sure I care anymore. I’ve been spending a year in this university walking in a circle. What I’ve been doing for the last year is not making any money and writing papers about various subjects such as religion, culture, geography, marketing, green housing, and a plethora of other subjects I have trouble justifying my attention to.  Some people in my family have very high expectations from me, and at this point, I would rather forsake them. I don’t understand how somebody can shut off their minds completely and absorb all this useless garbage like sponges, and then get A+ everywhere. Maybe I’m looking at it wrong?

I like making things, right? I like going to cons too, right? Too bad it’s quite likely I might not even be doing any of this in the near future. I’m in an intricate situation where I might soon have to pay an extra hundred per month for rent, so that’s $2400 extra for two years. I just don’t have a source of money to do this. All the projects I’m working on as a hobby? All deficits right now. None of them allow me to do half of the stuff I want to do. The paid projects I have this summer? Not even sure how much money I’m gonna make from them. I should probably suck it up and go get a retail job for this summer part-time.

It doesn’t matter how much I cry about it. This world doesn’t owe me anything.

I’m tired, I’m burned out, I don’t care anymore. I just feel like sleeping all day, I don’t take care of myself no more;  I eat badly, I sleep badly, I fuck up every single thing I do. It’s not just that, I can’t even rest here without hearing BOOM BOOM BOOM coming from mr.blockhead playing his music loudly all day or hearing the traffic constantly.

And I don’t think the people I care about even care, why would they? They aren’t even in any physical proximity, or they just tell me to get up and fight, and then leave and forget me in the mud.

I’m done with IRC and social media for now. I’m wiping myself off the face of the Internet for a week or two. Looking at people being able to go out with friends just reminds how much I’m stuck here and how much my choices are limited. I think I’m starting to hate all of you very profoundly.

And again, I’m just sitting here, in front of this fucking screen. My glass prison inside this provincial prison.

If you need to talk to me, you know where to find me.

Somewhat conflicted

Dear blog, paper, whatever you are. No that’s stupid.

Here we are again, same thing as usual. I’ve talked to a bunch of people in the last few days, especially about that last post I made. I have to review this in a more critical fashion.

I do realize a few things, the first of them being that after Katsucon, I’m going to be stranded, here, for six whole months before I see anybody from there again. Sure, I might be able to talk to them online, but a lot of them will be busy a lot of the time, might still spend a majority of my time stuck in this room, just looking at this damn screen.

During that time, these people hang out together, they get their shit together. They actually evolve and do stuff. While they do that, I stay stuck here, and I do nothing.

Distance is what maims me, everything that I might want or want to do anywhere else than here gets diminished. I have to be greater than other people because of this handicap, I always have to move the extra mile to stand where I want to stand.

I do also understand that my desires also doom me to be alone, by definition. I don’t want to get involved here, because I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to develop extensive relationships here, because I don’t want to stay, and even if I did, it doesn’t replace the stuff I deeply care about or the people I care about elsewhere.

I’m stuck as an observer who will get abused, over and over. Doing support work at an insane distance, to probably just be ignored and left to rot alone in the corner. Because of this one stubborn choice I want to make (Getting the hell out of here), I pay a big price; I have to walk in the whims of a lot of other people, whether it is universities or immigration agencies, or even “friends”. Screaming to the skies will do me no good, because nobody will answer; I don’t think anybody who can help me to a measurable extent with this will answer.

 

Then so be it. I want to stop moping over my condition, and improve myself. Even if it means scrapping the bottom of the barrel, even if it involves traveling to volunteer at cons for a deficit, even if it involves doing mental gymnastic on a daily basis to fight this loneliness and cabin fever-ish state by talking to people a bit here, even if it involves sacrificing the chance to get in a healthy relationship (I’ve never been in one) for the next decade and potentially the rest of my life, even if it involves putting in a lot of time for free for things nobody wants to do, even if it involves picking back up things I gave up on in the past to better myself, that includes picking up this fucking pencil and this sketchbook again.

I decided to be a coward 3 years ago, I gave up on drawing entirely because of my head affliction and my short attention span. My closet is filled with old stuff. It’s time to air out the closet and try again, there’s nothing I gain from never making any amends on any of the mistakes I’ve made.

I gotta expand my horizons, come in contact with more people, communicate with more fandoms, re-establish old connections. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s multiply. It will increase my chances of success exponentially and meeting new people’s never bad.

I don’t know how I’ll do it, and I don’t think a lot of people will help beyond a word of encouragement. But that’s okay, I do appreciate the encouragement, even if it’s not much. I’ll have a good 6 months to get this entire thing booted up again. I’ll make it.

Maybe things are looking better now.

There isn’t much new here. It’s all old. Always the same thing.

After a friend put up a post on another social media outlet, I thought I’d do the same. It seems that some people, including myself, are having doubts about me.

Just staring at my right monitor and its setup gives me an effect of déjà vu, like I’ve already written this, maybe because my brain is slow at this hour.

I don’t think it’s a stretch of the imagination to say that I’ve been rather depressed with what’s been going on as of late, and my situation as a whole isn’t exactly cheery either.

About that whole situation with conmeido

This part irks me, because I didn’t start off by having ill will towards any of the parties, and I finish this by being hurt by almost everybody involved. I tried taking the situation in proper hands, and that’s been my biggest failure in this case. I was serving as a mediator between all the parties involved, but it occurs to me that everybody involved had their own agenda, and that this couldn’t be resolved without everyone having the entire cake. What I said was taken, logged, repackaged, interpreted, and raped until the contents and intents were completely changed to serve the purposes of many individuals.

I feel like I got stabbed in the back a bunch of times by the same people who told me I could trust them. I will not make that mistake again. I wish I could talk to all of you again, but my heart just isn’t there anymore, it’s been torn out and stepped on too many times.

Of course, I could call you all out by your names in public, but you know who you are, and I like to think I know better. I’ve called out people in the past, sometimes for the right reasons, I’ve seen other people do it too, and every single time it resulted in backlashes and more fights. I just decided to content myself by writing your names on a piece of paper that I lit up and threw out the balcony.

As for the following, it’ll be a rough path up ahead, but I think whatever’s left of the group will make it just fine.

About my situation

So I’m back in university. I don’t think my mind is really here though. I don’t want to put any efforts in the classes I am in. I skipped a class yesterday because I decided to sleep 12 hours straight.

I guess it’s no use hiding it. I’ve been severely depressed since I came back from Magfest. I got very upset when I left the last day of the con, I cried in front of everyone. I really, really love you guys (and gals). But the thing is, I’ve cried a bunch of times the week after the con too, every single night, and I haven’t told anybody about it until now.

The only interaction I get from friends is over this screen. These are people I never get to interact with in real life except at conventions. And then when I come back, I just stare at this screen, looking at people come and go. Sometimes they barely even have time to talk to me because they have other things to do. It sounds really hypocritical from me, but that upsets me as well, it’s like I require the attention not to be upset, because this contact is the only thing I have, and I very much value the time I spend with these friends; I don’t want to replace them.

Just to add to the injury, some of these people live in the same area and actually do stuff together, and when it comes to organizing things or getting stuff done anywhere, I feel I’m always left behind because I live too far away. I feel I’m simply a casualty waiting to happen, for anything, I’ll be left behind because I’m too far away. Again, to add salt to the bleeding, I have to endure an awful long bus trip to even get down to the east coast cities.

It’s like all I can be is an obsessive observer; I know too much about everyone, I know every damn trick in the book, that’s all I can do. That’s the only reason I ever get involved with anything; I incise myself in problems I have nothing to do with in the first place because I know more about them than the parts of the people involved. But then I just lack the skills necessary to solve said problems and I just seem to make them worst.

Part of it is just me being stubborn. I really don’t want to get involved in things here. Everytime I want to get involved in something, it’s either being gimped by french restrictions/canadian content restrictions/lack of content because Canada/overpriced because Canada/morons (Pick one, it’s always either one of those). But it seems to be my only option to have an interaction with people.

But I don’t bloody want to be stuck here, and I don’t believe in getting a huge chunk of my salary robbed, and then whatever’s left robbed again by draconian sales taxes/more expensive wares to fund a socialist system that manufactures tragedies like my childhood or the childhood of many people I’ve known in high school. Let’s not even start talking about cancer patients having to take whatever is left of their money to go pay for healthcare in the states. I also don’t believe in being stuck here “because I was born here”, that’s stupid, I didn’t choose this.

Yet the only two ways out I have out of this canadian/french hole is either something that might take up to a decade or let’s face it bluntly; suicide. And quite frankly suicide isn’t an appealing option, and it’s not a decision I should take on a whim, especially when I’m not in a mental state to make a proper decision about something of such gravity.

All of this just hurts. The sad part is that I don’t think anybody will read down to this part, and even if they do, they probably won’t be able to help me.

You ask me how I smile everyday at university at 8am and when I leave at midnight, why I wear a cat tail and ears everyday. It’s because I’m insane, I’m a freak, I wear masks every single day, I force myself consciously to do things I wouldn’t normally do.

I don’t know anything anymore… And I’m going to sleep in a million pieces… I’m alone :c