I’m just lying down here. It’s almost 5AM as I am starting to write this.
I’d love to say that things have been getting better. But they haven’t, really. I’ve been to Anime Boston, I’ve got to see some folks I like, and I’ve got to meet some new folks I probably won’t see until next year. A-Grand. I’m still back here, in my miserable hole, doing whatever miserable things I’ve been doing before. This room is still a complete mess, I still have no general sense of direction, I’m just flailing in whatever direction I happen to be facing at the moment.
I’ve tried reaching out for help, but I don’t think local resources care. I have an appointment with a psychologist almost mid-june. I got that appointment at the beginning of May. It’s like nobody cares about my comatose state. It’s super depressing.
All I’ve been doing lately is wasting time indulging my addictions playing Dota, which, most of the time, just makes me frustrated and sad. I don’t know anymore. There’s nobody to support me or help me nearby, and everybody else is too further off to even do anything, in fact, most of them don’t even bother; they have their own life and their own problems. The only people that matter to me, I get to see a few times a years, and that’s after paying up, spending one to two days worth of time sitting on a bus waiting, and dealing with high levels of anxiety thanks to customs.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like sleeping is the only thing I have that’s worth anything. I get to dream when I sleep, I get to be where I want in contrast to this crappy place. So I just sleep a lot, up to 10 hours a day sometimes. The rest, I just spend sitting around, having trouble keeping this place in check, having trouble feeding myself, having trouble doing a bunch of basic stuff I shouldn’t have problems with.
I’ve been seriously thinking about self-harm, because I really fucking hate myself, or at the very least, the situation I am in. Sometimes I just want to slam my head through the walls, because why not? Over here, I’m the only person who matters in the equation. I still keep myself in check, but really.
Who’s going to care?