Oh wow. Another one of these…

I’m just lying down here. It’s almost 5AM as I am starting to write this.

I’d love to say that things have been getting better. But they haven’t, really. I’ve been to Anime Boston, I’ve got to see some folks I like, and I’ve got to meet some new folks I probably won’t see until next year. A-Grand. I’m still back here, in my miserable hole, doing whatever miserable things I’ve been doing before. This room is still a complete mess, I still have no general sense of direction, I’m just flailing in whatever direction I happen to be facing at the moment.

I’ve tried reaching out for help, but I don’t think local resources care. I have an appointment with a psychologist almost mid-june. I got that appointment at the beginning of May. It’s like nobody cares about my comatose state. It’s super depressing.

All I’ve been doing lately is wasting time indulging my addictions playing Dota, which, most of the time, just makes me frustrated and sad. I don’t know anymore. There’s nobody to support me or help me nearby, and everybody else is too further off to even do anything, in fact, most of them don’t even bother; they have their own life and their own problems. The only people that matter to me, I get to see a few times a years, and that’s after paying up, spending one to two days worth of time sitting on a bus waiting, and dealing with high levels of anxiety thanks to customs.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like sleeping is the only thing I have that’s worth anything. I get to dream when I sleep, I get to be where I want in contrast to this crappy place. So I just sleep a lot, up to 10 hours a day sometimes. The rest, I just spend sitting around, having trouble keeping this place in check, having trouble feeding myself, having trouble doing a bunch of basic stuff I shouldn’t have problems with.

I’ve been seriously thinking about self-harm, because I really fucking hate myself, or at the very least, the situation I am in. Sometimes I just want to slam my head through the walls, because why not? Over here, I’m the only person who matters in the equation. I still keep myself in check, but really.

Who’s going to care?

Dwelling in depression again.

I finished my semester two weeks ago. Looks like my gambit worked: Focusing on one of the two classes I thought I was gonna fail made me pass it with a C, and as expected, I failed the other.

Then I went on to try to do my driving test again. I got a 98/100 as a score but still failed because I engaged in some intersection where I shouldn’t have engaged, the exam made me stressed and the trees were blocking my way.

And here we are again, in my apartment. I’m still eating badly, still sleeping badly. I tried to take an appointment to see a psychologist at my university, and after a short counseling period, they gave me another appointment… In June, yea, I guess they’re maybe busy at this time of the year? So I’m stuck a month in this shitty and crippling depression, where I struggle to eat and sleep properly on a daily basis. Even now, my room is a complete mess.

And I don’t feel that it’s because I don’t like what I’m doing right now. I just don’t feel like getting up in the morning anymore. I have things I want to work on, however, I’m the only driving force in it, if I don’t initiate it, it doesn’t happen. In the end, just like before, it’s me and this screen, and everyone on the other side can’t really care less about me, because they have their own problems too. And if I talk too much about my problems, they get sick of it, so I just stop talking about my problems, I just cower up in a corner, assume my position, and just slowly die inside.

Every time I’ve tried to reach out for help here, or have been offered help, I’ve been taken advantage of in the least funny of ways. Nobody here helps, everyone tries to fuck me over. And whenever I meet somebody any interesting, I live too far away to grasp any kind of interest.

I don’t know what to say anymore. Every single day, just sitting here, just, here. And nobody cares or will care. It seems like unless you threaten to kill yourself, depression isn’t a thing, it’s not important. And I think that’s fucking stupid.