I need to make this post, but nobody will care.

That’s it, I’m done.

I’m sitting here, right now, staring at this screen.

My Nintendo 3ds broke yesterday, and just like it, I’m broken in more than two pieces.

I’m not even sure I care anymore. I’ve been spending a year in this university walking in a circle. What I’ve been doing for the last year is not making any money and writing papers about various subjects such as religion, culture, geography, marketing, green housing, and a plethora of other subjects I have trouble justifying my attention to.  Some people in my family have very high expectations from me, and at this point, I would rather forsake them. I don’t understand how somebody can shut off their minds completely and absorb all this useless garbage like sponges, and then get A+ everywhere. Maybe I’m looking at it wrong?

I like making things, right? I like going to cons too, right? Too bad it’s quite likely I might not even be doing any of this in the near future. I’m in an intricate situation where I might soon have to pay an extra hundred per month for rent, so that’s $2400 extra for two years. I just don’t have a source of money to do this. All the projects I’m working on as a hobby? All deficits right now. None of them allow me to do half of the stuff I want to do. The paid projects I have this summer? Not even sure how much money I’m gonna make from them. I should probably suck it up and go get a retail job for this summer part-time.

It doesn’t matter how much I cry about it. This world doesn’t owe me anything.

I’m tired, I’m burned out, I don’t care anymore. I just feel like sleeping all day, I don’t take care of myself no more;  I eat badly, I sleep badly, I fuck up every single thing I do. It’s not just that, I can’t even rest here without hearing BOOM BOOM BOOM coming from mr.blockhead playing his music loudly all day or hearing the traffic constantly.

And I don’t think the people I care about even care, why would they? They aren’t even in any physical proximity, or they just tell me to get up and fight, and then leave and forget me in the mud.

I’m done with IRC and social media for now. I’m wiping myself off the face of the Internet for a week or two. Looking at people being able to go out with friends just reminds how much I’m stuck here and how much my choices are limited. I think I’m starting to hate all of you very profoundly.

And again, I’m just sitting here, in front of this fucking screen. My glass prison inside this provincial prison.

If you need to talk to me, you know where to find me.

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One thought on “I need to make this post, but nobody will care.

  1. Don’t worry, things will get better. I remember having to ask myself the same things over and over in school. Why am I learning about this and that when I’ll never even put this and that to use in life (I haven’t, and likely will not ever need to know how to find the length of one side of a triangle for most things I do, among other things I’ve not put to practical use). I did figure something out, though. The biggest thing to learn while in school is how to learn. I’ve found it helps me in learning how to do the things I want to do after having to learn about things I don’t really care all that much about. Just something to give some thought to the next time you have to right a paper about 8th century Muslims or some minor cultural conflict that too place in the Middle Ages. I don’t blame you if you need to take a break from things. Even though I live closer to everyone, not having a car makes it very much impractical for me to join everyone in many things I read about on Facebook. Best advice I can give to that is to look forward to the few times you get to be together with everyone, and try not to let it get to you when you can’t spend time with everyone. If you find yourself wanting to move stateside, though, I have been trying to get some people together to go apartment hunting with. More people makes smaller costs, right? If you ever want in, just ask. We plan to make it happen sometime next year, once everyone has the resources needed to move. Take it easy and stay safe.

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