Somewhat conflicted

Dear blog, paper, whatever you are. No that’s stupid.

Here we are again, same thing as usual. I’ve talked to a bunch of people in the last few days, especially about that last post I made. I have to review this in a more critical fashion.

I do realize a few things, the first of them being that after Katsucon, I’m going to be stranded, here, for six whole months before I see anybody from there again. Sure, I might be able to talk to them online, but a lot of them will be busy a lot of the time, might still spend a majority of my time stuck in this room, just looking at this damn screen.

During that time, these people hang out together, they get their shit together. They actually evolve and do stuff. While they do that, I stay stuck here, and I do nothing.

Distance is what maims me, everything that I might want or want to do anywhere else than here gets diminished. I have to be greater than other people because of this handicap, I always have to move the extra mile to stand where I want to stand.

I do also understand that my desires also doom me to be alone, by definition. I don’t want to get involved here, because I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to develop extensive relationships here, because I don’t want to stay, and even if I did, it doesn’t replace the stuff I deeply care about or the people I care about elsewhere.

I’m stuck as an observer who will get abused, over and over. Doing support work at an insane distance, to probably just be ignored and left to rot alone in the corner. Because of this one stubborn choice I want to make (Getting the hell out of here), I pay a big price; I have to walk in the whims of a lot of other people, whether it is universities or immigration agencies, or even “friends”. Screaming to the skies will do me no good, because nobody will answer; I don’t think anybody who can help me to a measurable extent with this will answer.

 

Then so be it. I want to stop moping over my condition, and improve myself. Even if it means scrapping the bottom of the barrel, even if it involves traveling to volunteer at cons for a deficit, even if it involves doing mental gymnastic on a daily basis to fight this loneliness and cabin fever-ish state by talking to people a bit here, even if it involves sacrificing the chance to get in a healthy relationship (I’ve never been in one) for the next decade and potentially the rest of my life, even if it involves putting in a lot of time for free for things nobody wants to do, even if it involves picking back up things I gave up on in the past to better myself, that includes picking up this fucking pencil and this sketchbook again.

I decided to be a coward 3 years ago, I gave up on drawing entirely because of my head affliction and my short attention span. My closet is filled with old stuff. It’s time to air out the closet and try again, there’s nothing I gain from never making any amends on any of the mistakes I’ve made.

I gotta expand my horizons, come in contact with more people, communicate with more fandoms, re-establish old connections. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s multiply. It will increase my chances of success exponentially and meeting new people’s never bad.

I don’t know how I’ll do it, and I don’t think a lot of people will help beyond a word of encouragement. But that’s okay, I do appreciate the encouragement, even if it’s not much. I’ll have a good 6 months to get this entire thing booted up again. I’ll make it.

Maybe things are looking better now.

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One thought on “Somewhat conflicted

  1. I wish I could do more, but offering happy words and advice helps, right? You’re right, there’s nothing wrong with meeting new people. Things can work out in interesting ways when you give different paths a shot. It worked well for me, I’m sure it’ll work just as well for you, so don’t give up, okay?

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