Somewhat conflicted

Dear blog, paper, whatever you are. No that’s stupid.

Here we are again, same thing as usual. I’ve talked to a bunch of people in the last few days, especially about that last post I made. I have to review this in a more critical fashion.

I do realize a few things, the first of them being that after Katsucon, I’m going to be stranded, here, for six whole months before I see anybody from there again. Sure, I might be able to talk to them online, but a lot of them will be busy a lot of the time, might still spend a majority of my time stuck in this room, just looking at this damn screen.

During that time, these people hang out together, they get their shit together. They actually evolve and do stuff. While they do that, I stay stuck here, and I do nothing.

Distance is what maims me, everything that I might want or want to do anywhere else than here gets diminished. I have to be greater than other people because of this handicap, I always have to move the extra mile to stand where I want to stand.

I do also understand that my desires also doom me to be alone, by definition. I don’t want to get involved here, because I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to develop extensive relationships here, because I don’t want to stay, and even if I did, it doesn’t replace the stuff I deeply care about or the people I care about elsewhere.

I’m stuck as an observer who will get abused, over and over. Doing support work at an insane distance, to probably just be ignored and left to rot alone in the corner. Because of this one stubborn choice I want to make (Getting the hell out of here), I pay a big price; I have to walk in the whims of a lot of other people, whether it is universities or immigration agencies, or even “friends”. Screaming to the skies will do me no good, because nobody will answer; I don’t think anybody who can help me to a measurable extent with this will answer.

 

Then so be it. I want to stop moping over my condition, and improve myself. Even if it means scrapping the bottom of the barrel, even if it involves traveling to volunteer at cons for a deficit, even if it involves doing mental gymnastic on a daily basis to fight this loneliness and cabin fever-ish state by talking to people a bit here, even if it involves sacrificing the chance to get in a healthy relationship (I’ve never been in one) for the next decade and potentially the rest of my life, even if it involves putting in a lot of time for free for things nobody wants to do, even if it involves picking back up things I gave up on in the past to better myself, that includes picking up this fucking pencil and this sketchbook again.

I decided to be a coward 3 years ago, I gave up on drawing entirely because of my head affliction and my short attention span. My closet is filled with old stuff. It’s time to air out the closet and try again, there’s nothing I gain from never making any amends on any of the mistakes I’ve made.

I gotta expand my horizons, come in contact with more people, communicate with more fandoms, re-establish old connections. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s multiply. It will increase my chances of success exponentially and meeting new people’s never bad.

I don’t know how I’ll do it, and I don’t think a lot of people will help beyond a word of encouragement. But that’s okay, I do appreciate the encouragement, even if it’s not much. I’ll have a good 6 months to get this entire thing booted up again. I’ll make it.

Maybe things are looking better now.

There isn’t much new here. It’s all old. Always the same thing.

After a friend put up a post on another social media outlet, I thought I’d do the same. It seems that some people, including myself, are having doubts about me.

Just staring at my right monitor and its setup gives me an effect of déjà vu, like I’ve already written this, maybe because my brain is slow at this hour.

I don’t think it’s a stretch of the imagination to say that I’ve been rather depressed with what’s been going on as of late, and my situation as a whole isn’t exactly cheery either.

About that whole situation with conmeido

This part irks me, because I didn’t start off by having ill will towards any of the parties, and I finish this by being hurt by almost everybody involved. I tried taking the situation in proper hands, and that’s been my biggest failure in this case. I was serving as a mediator between all the parties involved, but it occurs to me that everybody involved had their own agenda, and that this couldn’t be resolved without everyone having the entire cake. What I said was taken, logged, repackaged, interpreted, and raped until the contents and intents were completely changed to serve the purposes of many individuals.

I feel like I got stabbed in the back a bunch of times by the same people who told me I could trust them. I will not make that mistake again. I wish I could talk to all of you again, but my heart just isn’t there anymore, it’s been torn out and stepped on too many times.

Of course, I could call you all out by your names in public, but you know who you are, and I like to think I know better. I’ve called out people in the past, sometimes for the right reasons, I’ve seen other people do it too, and every single time it resulted in backlashes and more fights. I just decided to content myself by writing your names on a piece of paper that I lit up and threw out the balcony.

As for the following, it’ll be a rough path up ahead, but I think whatever’s left of the group will make it just fine.

About my situation

So I’m back in university. I don’t think my mind is really here though. I don’t want to put any efforts in the classes I am in. I skipped a class yesterday because I decided to sleep 12 hours straight.

I guess it’s no use hiding it. I’ve been severely depressed since I came back from Magfest. I got very upset when I left the last day of the con, I cried in front of everyone. I really, really love you guys (and gals). But the thing is, I’ve cried a bunch of times the week after the con too, every single night, and I haven’t told anybody about it until now.

The only interaction I get from friends is over this screen. These are people I never get to interact with in real life except at conventions. And then when I come back, I just stare at this screen, looking at people come and go. Sometimes they barely even have time to talk to me because they have other things to do. It sounds really hypocritical from me, but that upsets me as well, it’s like I require the attention not to be upset, because this contact is the only thing I have, and I very much value the time I spend with these friends; I don’t want to replace them.

Just to add to the injury, some of these people live in the same area and actually do stuff together, and when it comes to organizing things or getting stuff done anywhere, I feel I’m always left behind because I live too far away. I feel I’m simply a casualty waiting to happen, for anything, I’ll be left behind because I’m too far away. Again, to add salt to the bleeding, I have to endure an awful long bus trip to even get down to the east coast cities.

It’s like all I can be is an obsessive observer; I know too much about everyone, I know every damn trick in the book, that’s all I can do. That’s the only reason I ever get involved with anything; I incise myself in problems I have nothing to do with in the first place because I know more about them than the parts of the people involved. But then I just lack the skills necessary to solve said problems and I just seem to make them worst.

Part of it is just me being stubborn. I really don’t want to get involved in things here. Everytime I want to get involved in something, it’s either being gimped by french restrictions/canadian content restrictions/lack of content because Canada/overpriced because Canada/morons (Pick one, it’s always either one of those). But it seems to be my only option to have an interaction with people.

But I don’t bloody want to be stuck here, and I don’t believe in getting a huge chunk of my salary robbed, and then whatever’s left robbed again by draconian sales taxes/more expensive wares to fund a socialist system that manufactures tragedies like my childhood or the childhood of many people I’ve known in high school. Let’s not even start talking about cancer patients having to take whatever is left of their money to go pay for healthcare in the states. I also don’t believe in being stuck here “because I was born here”, that’s stupid, I didn’t choose this.

Yet the only two ways out I have out of this canadian/french hole is either something that might take up to a decade or let’s face it bluntly; suicide. And quite frankly suicide isn’t an appealing option, and it’s not a decision I should take on a whim, especially when I’m not in a mental state to make a proper decision about something of such gravity.

All of this just hurts. The sad part is that I don’t think anybody will read down to this part, and even if they do, they probably won’t be able to help me.

You ask me how I smile everyday at university at 8am and when I leave at midnight, why I wear a cat tail and ears everyday. It’s because I’m insane, I’m a freak, I wear masks every single day, I force myself consciously to do things I wouldn’t normally do.

I don’t know anything anymore… And I’m going to sleep in a million pieces… I’m alone :c